Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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