I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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