when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
