grandma shit on top of the toilet
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
So vagazzling was a success
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
