he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
