when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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