She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
