well I can't set my house on fire every night
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
