I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
