Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Less talking, more tequila
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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