Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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