Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
