Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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