tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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