I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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