i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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