I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
