my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
i've created a new STD.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
