we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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