I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
