mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
