we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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