I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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