We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
