He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
