Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
