I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
