well I can't set my house on fire every night
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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