I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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