He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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