Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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