I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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