we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Randomize
