We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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