Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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