I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
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