i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
