I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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