ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
