I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
