I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
