Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
