I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize