I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
