I cannot find my penis.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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