I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
