It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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