Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
