I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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