he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
